Radioactive Vampire Unicorn Blood

Originally Posted January 14, 2009

 

So I finished watching True Blood Season 1. What did I learn? That everything is about blood(drugs) and sex. It’s either having sex with a vampire and them biting you or drinking vampire blood / tripping and having sex. While this can be entertaining and works just fine as the central plot to a B horror movie, can it stand up as the major plot for a whole TV series?

It sure as hell can if you keep casting women like Ana Paquin in lead roles. Anyway, this got me thinking: What other types of blood would be worth harvesting for super powers?

Zombies? No way. You’d turn into a zombie silly!

Ninja’s? No. They are just highly skilled humans.

Pirates or Robots? Maybe robot blood if it would not kill you. Like Voltron blood.

Spider Man blood? A good bet. It’s radioactive and a spider bite made Peter have super powers.

Superman? How you gonna get it? You can’t pierce his skin.

X Men types? There has to be a better way to get a mutant gene.

Alien from Alien? Possibly. It’s acid, but there might be a way to take it to give you alien powers. Wasn’t this Alien 3 or 4?

Smurf? Now that is just silly. Maybe Fraggles. No to Pound Puppies, but yes to Care Bears. The stare power is freakin awesome.

Definitely unicorn blood. That has all kinds of crazy goodness up in there. I think it lets you make rainbows and stuff.

What’s the best? Perhaps a vampire unicorn that has been bit by a radioactive spider. That’s what I am placing my bet on.

Twilight

I suspect many of you are sick to death of Twilight. I predicted this debacle in a Brier post:

Originally Posted on November 19, 2008

 

What to say about this film? First, it is always good to see Vampires getting mainstream acceptance, except when it goes horribly, horribly wrong. For instance, the anticipation and then eventual enjoyment of Interview was great. I then started to read the books. The first made the movie even better filling in several holes. The next book, The Vampire Lestat, told the story of a depraved creature with some serious mommy issues. Another winner. Then… It got weird yo. Way weird. In ways I will not, cannot, return to. Ann Rice – You are my list. Not cool.

We now turn our attention to Twilight. This series is the next Harry Potter novels, selling something like 30 million copies worldwide. However, the fans are all girls. Is this Vampire In the City, or DeGrassi Vampire High, or even Vampire School Musical? I say it is more:

Robert Pattinson walked the red carpet last night for the world premiere of Twilight where he was reportedly deafened by 50 bajillion screaming teens who thought it’d be cool to scratch their necks all up to simulate a vampire bite. Ha ha. That’s our future, folks. I’m drowning myself in the tub. Us Magazine reports:

“They all just scream at me and now it just kind of feel like my job,” said Pattinson, who joked with MTV News that he’d gone “completely deaf” at the premiere.
Just the other day, Pattinson realized, “there were some girls who had scratched … the side of their necks so [they were] freshly bleeding when they came up to get a signature.
“They were like, ‘We did this for you.’ I didn’t know what to say. ‘Um, thanks guys?'”

http://thesuperficial.com/2008/11/robert_pattinson_attends_the_p.php

These kinds of reactions are more chilling and terrifying than anything a vampire could do. And so… I fear this movie, even being the best mainstream bet in vampire tales in the last decade, will not do justice to the genre or meet any of my many standards for attendance. Is it just Gossip Girl with teeth? Now don’t get me wrong – I love the teen fare. 90210, Mean Girls, even Smallville are all my bread and butter. CW for life, yo.

However, I think we aren’t getting the good teen fare here. I think we are getting The Vampire Girls and until informed otherwise I will not be plopping down my cash to witness the debacle. It is a bit of a shame to waste such a great chance to mainstream a great genre. What we need instead is a new Buffy movie. It’s still the greatest TV show of all time, and does the genre credit. I would be much happier if the this new generation of girls was being raised in the Buffy model instead of this Twilight model where they all want to go crazy and turn into Goth chicks who want to get themselves bit all the time.

Congrats boys of the next generation, you can thank Stephenie Meyer for all those messed up nights you will have to endure dealing with your Girlfriend’s future Twilight fallout and impending psychosis.