Monthly Archives: February 2012

Oscars 2012

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I’ve only seen one of the nominees and that was Moneyball. It was excellent. I fully support it winning. I only want to see two of the other films – Hugo and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. I might watch The Help. I want to make sure I never see The Artist, The Tree of Life, and War Horse. I am cheering hard against these last three. Especially The Artist.

Know what that tells me? The Artist is going to win. None of my movies ever do well at the Oscars. So if you are betting, put the farm on The Artist or perhaps hedge with The Tree of Life. I have no frickin clue what that movie is or why it was nominated.

Otherwise work on your outrage for when Moneyball and Brad Pitt get shafted at the Oscars.

Get ready for my 10 – 20 delayed tweeting Sunday night. Should be amazing!

Matthew Broderick

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With his recent Super Bowl victory Matthew has broken back into the public consciousness. Or at least mine which is just as good. He inspired flashbacks to his glory years before the incident and the sellout. The incident has left a sour taste in my mouth for the last 15 years. It was just such an unthinkable act. Something so tragic that it was nearly impossible to maintain respect for him.

I speak of course of his marriage to the creature Sarah Jessica Parker. This was quickly followed up by the inspector Gadget sellout debacle. I have had my back turned to him ever since. However Honda reached out and made me look back and remember the man he was, not the man he became. And for that I have to thank them.

His early years were beyond impressive. We are talking off the charts life changing events. For a young white kid growing up in the suburbs Broderick’s work here inspired a lifetime cynicism, sarcasm, games, fantasy, and slacker excellence. War Games and Ferris may not have directly inspired me to want to head into Computer Science but they did do several things for sure:

  1. Make me want start a Global Thermonuclear War and eat at Burger King.
  2. Assume no one in charge has any idea what they are really doing.
  3. Use my talents for mischief and otherwise slacker behavior knowing it could all be fixed in the end. I mean, look at me now!
  4. You can always win Tic Tac Toe. You just have to keep trying.

Besides the above two megahits Broderick also brought us Ladyhawke during this period. It was of course a dangerous fantasy movie that for some reason was always on HBO or Cinemax and therefore I watched it all the time as well. This plus LOTR and RPGs helped hinder my development for years. Thank God for football and sports. Many others were laid low by these traps but this was all part of the Broderick charm.

Broderick also produced the best Civil War movie ever – Glory. Name one better. Gettysburg? Ha. Keep trying. You have to have characters and character growth to tell a real story. Name one in Gettysburg. That Glory was not even nominated for Best Picture is still a travesty to this day. My Left Foot? Come on Son!

The Lion King is still the best Disney movie. Not Aladdin or Ferngully or Avatar or any of their other hippie crap. This movie is the only saving grace for that institution. It was an amazing tale and Broderick did an excellent job of voice acting even though his career was on a downward spiral at this point.

After that Broderick’s career is a series of landmines except for the excellent Election with America’s blonde sweetheart Reese Witherspoon.

Will one commercial make up for over a decade of failure and mediocrity? No. It cannot. What it can do is form a bridge over the failure back to the past so we can remember him in better times before the incident, before the ineptitude. When he was a shining beacon of the power of the 80’s and their glory. When America was great and the future was so bright we had to wear shades.

Thank you Matthew for all the memories and terrible life choices you inspired in me.

We so Hungry

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I am hungry. Starved even. It has been almost a year since the last great pop sensation broke. In between we have been delighted by Katy Perry and of course LMFAO but it was of course Rebecca Black that produced the music of substance and sustenance of last year.

Gaga was excellent but it has been what, a couple months since she last gave a us a new song? She used to come out with a song a month. Plus she is getting played. Don’t get me wrong, she is still good, but there is no mystery there. She is like chicken parm. That is one of my favorites foods but I know what I am getting. Rihanna falls into the same camp.

We need something new to gnaw on.  A perusable of the Billboard top 100 offers no comfort. Adele? Kelly Clarkson. Even a song called “Good Feeling” is depressing. The Adele plus NickiM combo is better than Mike Tyson’s one two punch. It just floors quality music and the world is worse for it.

I was hoping something really old could bring it. Like a nice retro moment reformed. A phoenix rising from the ashes of pop culture. This was the hope and prayer for Madonna. Unfortunately the sweet melody that she started was tainted with the worst trash of the modern era: Nicki Minaj. She single handedly destroyed all hope for Give Me All Your Luvin. Her idiocy and terrible rapping ability make for beyond unlistenable songs. She is the Blake Griffin of music.

Disgusting.

Revolting.

What is wrong with everyone? It is like the country is depressed or something. Well things were really depressed in the 1970’s. And you know what that got us? Besides me? Michael FUCKING Jackson.

Where are you Mike II? We all need some help up in this place.

Who ya gonna cheer for?

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We have one of the worst most unexciting Super Bowls coming up. Something I think most of us will barely be able to watch. This will not be a repeat of the feel good story of 2008 that captures a national audience. This is a regional bowl where only the fans of these cities will be able to muster the energy to care. This is like the Nazis versus Communists. You just wish both could lose and lose big.

So what to do? This is the Super Bowl after all. Normally the plan is to cheer for the underdog or the winner of the NFC. However that is Giants. Calling a team like that from New York underdogs is like saying the Titanic was a nice little boat. Cheering for them is just icky. With that plan right out what is Plan B?

Plan B starts with drinking. Lots of it. The game may suck but the party doesn’t have to. Just stay away from the game. Focus on the national anthem. Pay attention to the halftime show.

Guess what? That is not going to work. You are a sports fan. You will not be able to help taking a side. It is what you do. Since you will not be able to help yourself you might as well prepare so you can go into the game with a fan plan. Otherwise you might get caught up in the moment and end up cheering for a team you will later regret ever backing.

Let’s break this down scientifically so we can pick the right team.

       I.          Which city do you hate less?

This is a tough question as both cities are pretty terrible. However for me I have to go with Boston. We are only rivals in basketball. With NY I have strong rivalries in all sports. The cumulative hate is just greater even if none of the NY rivalries match the individual hate for the Celtics. Boston is also a better city in the “city” sense. They have a slightly higher historical class and you can respect the Garden or the Green Monster. MSG is the home of basketball but come on son, all NY football is played in NJ. In a swamp. Massive points lost here. Remember we are basically comparing Axe murderers to shooting spree murderers so it is very hard to say anything good about anything here.

     II.          Hall of Fame considerations / Legacy

This is the real determining factor to me. Let’s look at the two outcomes:

Patriots Win:

Is anyone getting into the Hall of Fame now who wasn’t before? Another Super Bowl win doesn’t add anything to Brady’s or Belichick’s resume. They were already in. Stopping a perfect season in 2008 would have given them a huge legacy boost. None of that is in play here. This will just be +1 and most likely will be forgotten pretty soon.

Giants Win:

Here is where it gets sticky. Eli Manning will go from a fluke winner who got on a hot streak and pulled a game out at the end that he had no business winning to being a respected quarterback. A two time Super Bowl winning quarterback. Who beat HOF quarterback Brady. TWICE! All of a sudden the air gets thin very quickly.

People start saying he is a winner in a way his HOF brother was not. He is clutch. He has to start being mentioned with Elway, Simms, Young, and Bradshaw. Suddenly what he did in 2008 was no longer lucky but a foreshadow. Gulp. If he were to win one more, I don’t know if you could keep him out of the HOF.

When you realize this suddenly you will get scared. I know I did. My decision became clear. The Giants scenario cannot be allowed to happen. We cannot allow an Eli Manning “legacy” to come into existence. He must stay with the Mark Rippens and Trent Dilfers of the world. The alternatives are too terrifying to allow to fester and gestate.

Prediction:

Patriots 42 – 14. Why? Because that is what I want to happen.